A Day of Tears

This last month has seen me on a rollercoaster of emotions.

In the beginning of October, I have had the slow upward anticipation of my holiday in Sevilla.  In that week I have had the thrill and excitement of being in a new place, learning new things, and meeting new people.  I had such a great time and was on a holiday high on my return to London.

A week later I was made redundant and given notice.  In the weeks that ensued while working out my notice, I experienced a whole range of emotions – anger, disappointment, sadness, and relief – to name just a few.   This was a surreal situation for me.

While all of the above was going on, I reconnected with my Uncle George with whom I had lost touch with and was extremely happy be in contact with him again.  The down side to that was I had been told of the sad news of my Aunt’s illness, and a couple of weeks later he wrote to me to tell me she had passed away.

I have also had some surgery for something that perhaps could be potentially life threatening if not taken care of sooner rather than later- a ‘procedure’ they called it – which has made me think about my mortality and the legacy of myself that I would leave behind.  How would people remember me when I am no longer here?  I could hazard a guess on a few exes, but as for the rest I’m not too sure.  I now realise that time is very precious and not to be wasted.

Since joining Facebook, I have reconnected with some family members and friends that I had lost touch with.  I managed to contact my cousin’s wife, and through her I was able to learn of the sad demise of my Aunt.  Her passing has affected me more than I can comprehend.   I was invited to join a family heritage website where she has set up a family tree – I had been up til the wee hours of the morning updating the family photos and statistics.  I had forgotten who some of these people were that I had known so long ago.  Looking at their photos brought it all back to me.  My cousin’s wife and I agree that perhaps some good will come out of this sad time, such as the family pulling together and keeping in regular contact.

I have managed well all these many years without intimate contact with my family members, as I have been so busy with my own.  There are times that I am usually the last person to know if there is a problem, as I live so far away.  Also, my empty nest has affected me more than I could have anticipated.  I thought I would be ok with it and for the most part I am -I still need to reconcile the fact that my babies are adults with their own lives to lead.

I have also been in touch with someone from my distant past and now feel that I have been able to get some closure on an issue that had been haunting me for many years.  The sheer joy and relief at finding them was almost too much to bear and had me in tears.

I have also had some disappointment on the job front.  I realise that perhaps the positions I have gone for may not have been appropriate for me and I am trying not to panic about not having any extra money coming in.  I am doing all I can with regard to this issue and trust the Universe will guide me to the right thing.

I am normally very good at dealing with my feelings and living in the present moment.  The joy, sadness, and disappointment that I have been experiencing over the last few weeks has finally come to a head, whereby I have had to stay home as I had been so overcome with the need to weep and get it all out of my system.  It has been a lonely but necessary process.  Not having any distractions has helped.

Since my day of tears, I feel a lot better – more serene and at peace with the world.  I just read a quote: ‘Tears are words from the heart that can’t be spoken.’  I can’t say it any better than that.

The Thanksgiving holiday has been a day of reflection and to think of all that I am grateful for.  I know I am a very lucky person.  Even though my parents and siblings are celebrating on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean and I don’t know the next time I will see them, I am comforted in knowing they are alive and care about me.  I also have my own family, the one I helped create.  I have great friends.  I am not alone.  I realise that my nest is not really empty, I still have the cat!