Monthly Archives: February 2009

The Universe is Toying with Me

Standard

I had gotten over my trust issues with The Universe.  I have been using The Sedona Method, EFT and deep breathing.  I have had positive reinforcement from my friends that have buoyed me up.   I am actually feeling the trust.  Trust is oozing out of my pores.  My new catchphrase when I am being asked about work is that it is imminent or forthcoming.   When or where, I haven’t a clue, but I can feel it in my bones.  Something good is coming my way.

I spoke to a friend yesterday to see how she was doing.  Things are looking up for her too.  I told her that I had a mini crisis and that I am trying to trust what The Universe is telling me.  I told her that obviously this lull is telling me something and I am trying to work out what it was.  Then she asked me, ‘Do you know how to listen, do you know how to read the signs?’  Good questions.

She knows I am Action Woman and not good at sitting still.  I get my ah-ha moments while having a shower, working in the garden, or going for a walk in the park.  I don’t do sit-down meditation.  Sometimes if I Reiki myself it can work, but I usually fall asleep.  I need to read the signs.  So I put it out there to The Universe.  What are the signs and how do I read them?  What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

I already had the best job in the world when I was looking after my children.  I was my own boss.  I worked from home.  I could play outside when the weather was nice.  I made lots of friends.  I was on flexi time.  The returns on my investment are now paying off.  I haven’t been made redundant from this position, but I am now only working as a Consultant.  It is a lifetime position.

I have also worked for others. I have enjoyed the jobs I have had, and I take pride in my work.  There have been some laughs and fun times.  I have made some good friends.  My time has not been really my own.  Unfortunately, there are no days off to play in the park unless it is booked well in advance and then there is no guarantee that the sun will be shining that day.   Everything needs to be planned in advance.  For me, working in an office is like being caged up.  I could tolerate it, but I would rather be outside. The joy for me came upon my release at the end of each day.  I was free to go and have fun, to dance, to be with friends.

A part of me has been really enjoying this down time of not working, but it really isn’t giving me an income.  I like to work and I like to keep busy and I like to earn money.  I am good at what I do.  Sometimes I am offered challenges that utilise my brain cells, but most of the time I can work on ‘Autopilot’.  It doesn’t take much brain power to do the filing, answer the telephone, type letters, send e-mails, etc.  Sometimes I even do all of that at the same time!  I have been doing it for years.  It is what we call a no-brainer.

I got a call late yesterday afternoon to temp for three weeks at an Architect’s.  When I asked for more information, the woman told me it was to assist the Architects on their projects with typing, etc.  She told me it wasn’t brain surgery.  It wasn’t brain surgery.  Now that takes a lot of skill.  So, you would think that with all of the secretarial jobs available out there, I would have had more interviews.  I have all the skills, and yet I don’t have the right skills. The thing is no one can tell me what I need to do.  I apply to hundreds of jobs, and to only the ones that I know I am capable of doing.  Yet getting an interview is the most elusive and frustrating element in my life at the moment.  I need a foot in the door.

I thank The Universe for sending me this temp job.  I am so happy that when I hang up the telephone I shout ‘yes’ and punch the air.  I am overjoyed.  I finally have a purpose in my life.  To go and work for someone else so I can pay my bills and not use up all of my savings.  These last two sentences do not sound positive. There has to be better way, but since I don’t know what the way is yet, I will take the one that is offered to me.

I am so excited that I don’t get much sleep.  I get up extra early so I am not late.  I watch the sun come up to a beautiful day.  Everything is going smoothly.  I take the train to Monument as I need to register with the agency before I go to the job.  I get out of the tube and there is a message on my phone.  The job has been cancelled by the client.  No need to come in.  Ugh!  I am already here.  I go and register.  The agency is very sorry and annoyed.  I am very sorry and annoyed, but I let it go.  I go for a coffee and call my friend and ask her if she has time to listen to me moan for a few minutes.  She does and I do.  I feel a lot better for it as I thought I would scream.  I thank her and hang up.  I owe her one.

I have an appointment at the Job Centre for a review.  I go straight to my appointment after my coffee.  I am early and look on their computer for some work and print a few things off.  I sit upstairs and wait for the woman to see me.  She is with a man.  They are chatting like old friends and she is very keen to give him advice and help him.

It is my turn.  I told her earlier what had happened about the work being cancelled and she seemed very sorry about that.  Then she changed.  She told me that I must start looking at work that is offered at a much lower salary.  I tell her I cannot live on that.  She asks me why.  I tell her about my house, mortgage, etc.  She tells me I should put my house up for Auction.  I am dumbfounded.  I ask her to explain to me how it works.  She does and I tell her I will look into it.  I am trying to keep an open mind.

She asks me about pets.  I tell her I have a cat.  I was wondering if she was going to tell me to get rid of the cat because of the expense, but she asks me if I could take other people’s pets in when they go away.  I tell her no, as my cat is very old.  He doesn’t even get on with Ed, the cat next door.  She asks me about taking in Lodgers.  I say no, and explain about my home being a health and safety hazard because of the unfinished work, which is why I have it on the market.  She asks me about builders wanting to buy it.  I tell her that people have not been buying as the banks have not been lending.  Where has this woman been?

Then she asks me the most ridiculous question of all.  Can I dumb down my CV?  Yes, that’s right.  I am not making this up.  I ask her how I could possibly do that.  I am looking at PA roles, and they need to know everything I have done. I didn’t tell her that they need intelligent people for that.  She said that maybe I should not advertise all of my skills when applying for lower paying jobs.  I tell her I do not understand how that will help, as when my references are checked my previous employer will tell them everything.  I couldn’t believe this woman.  I am so frustrated that I am practically in tears.  I tell her that I send off my CV every day.  I make telephone calls every day.  I have been on a few interviews.  She tells me that I must look at lower paying jobs or lose my benefit.  I tell her ok just to shut her up as I don’t want to argue.  Does she not realise that if I get an interview all they will need to do is take one look at me and listen to me to know I am over qualified?  One of my Facebook friends said that it is possible to dumb down a CV, but how can you dumb down a person?  I just don’t get it.  I left there feeling worse than when I went in.  I think she decided to hate me as soon as she saw me.

When I left, the sun was still shining and it felt like springtime.  I tried to be in the moment and enjoy the sunshine, but all I really wanted was a great big hug and to be told that everything was going to be ok, preferably by a really attractive, tall man.  I was feeling small.  The sunshine was persistent and I eventually gave in and sat down for a few minutes to enjoy it before catching the bus back home.  I decided to pop in to another agency on the off chance they might have some work for me.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.  At least I left there feeling better than when I went in.

I arrived home feeling exhausted and thought I would give myself some Reiki to calm me down.  I dozed off for a few minutes, which is par for the course.  In the last 24 hours I have felt like a yo-yo, up and down, good news and bad news.  I think The Universe is playing a joke on me.  There is supposed to be a reason for everything and I am not getting it.  In spite of all this, I still trust The Universe.  Ha ha, he has had his fun with me and I haven’t broken.  I have been annoyed and flabbergasted, and funnily enough, I still feel that everything is going to be ok.

There is only one thing left to do.  I’m going dancing!

A Crisis of Confidence

Standard

I have been having a crisis of confidence.  I think everyone goes through it now and again.  It’s my turn.  I have been confused.  I have never had an issue about finding work before.  I was actually feeling quietly confident that I would find something, but then I momentarily lost my confidence.  Why me and why now?  Is it me or is it them?  I am being told on one hand that I won’t get the salary I had from my last job, and on another I am being told to hold out as I am worth it.  The man that told me that is an Angel, and we never even met.  I am told I shouldn’t have a problem finding work because of my skills and then I am told that employers are being very picky and job specific.

It is the same about my house.  I get told that this is not a good time to sell and then I am told that things are picking up.  A friend of a friend told me this morning that my house is too expensive.  What business is it of hers?  I told her that I wasn’t selling it to her.  I got a bit fed up of the negativity coming my way.

It’s the same thing about the internet dating.  On one hand I hear really great things about it and the next I hear that it is really dangerous and I should be careful.  That last part was also spoken by the friend of a friend.  I told her I’m from New York and I know how to handle myself.  (I didn’t think she would know where New Jersey was.)   I really enjoyed telling her that I met a really nice man through the internet.  I can get bitchy in the face of negativity.

I got up early and went to the café on Monday and read a newspaper for the first time in months.  It was rubbish.  Nothing but doom and gloom.   I am surrounded by negativity.  Maybe my trusting nature was taken while my back was turned.

The Universe tells me that I need to trust and that everything will be ok.  Something happened where I lost that trusting feeling.  I don’t know what happened.  I don’t know where or when I lost it.  I know The Universe is right.  I just need to feel it.

A very good friend of mine gave me a pep talk by e-mail.  She did to me what I do to everyone else.  I cheerlead.  For a few days I was all over the place.  I was in my head, which is a typical Gemini thing.  I was down about work and she reminded me of what I needed to know and helped me to find some faith.  I am less confused.  I think she has helped me to find my trusting nature again.

I had some interesting news about some potential work.  I have some interest in my house.  I am finding my faith and paying attention to The Universe.  The Universe can’t be rushed.  I will get what I need when I am ready.  I refuse to let negativity get to me.  I refuse to let other people get me down.  Embrace the positive and eliminate the negative.

I wonder if earplugs work for that.

My Brief Foray into the World of Internet Dating – The End

Standard

I have had enough of the Internet Dating World.  I have now deleted my profile from all three of the dating sites that I had registered with.

Why?   You may ask.  In my previous posts, I had voiced dismay in the quality of the choices available to me.  Things have not improved in the last couple of months.  I am unwilling to broaden my search.  I am lazy.  I want things convenient, on my terms.  That’s me being a control freak.  Unfortunately, in matters of the heart, there are certain things that one cannot control.

I can, however, control the mail going into my in-box.  My in-box is being bombarded with totally useless updates from the dating sites.  Remember, I have been on three.  ‘So and so has just looked at your profile, click here to see so and so’s profile’ or ‘You have been sent a wink by so and so’ or ‘you are so and so’s favourite.’  I get about 30 or more of these a day.  They look, but they don’t leave messages.  Or they leave messages like this one I got the other day:

‘hello, where have you been all my life? lol your profile is interesting read would like to know you more look forward to your reply, you sound like nice women you look gorgeous very cute and sound genuine, i like the way you think, you should not be on here let me take you off here your very special, your the most beautiful thing i have seen’
xxx

Age 24

Apart from using incorrect grammar, a friend told me that it was a generic message that must have been sent to hundreds of women.  Really!  There is not one query or reference to anything on my profile that is remotely personal.  I have had a few like this.  I have also had this one: ‘not bad for an old bird.’ I think the guy thought he was being funny.  He wasn’t.  I am mature.  My time is precious, not nearly up.  I do not want to waste it deleting e-mails from my in-box, especially if they have no real content.

I have had second date with Mr. Out of Town.  I am very impressed that he has gotten as far as he has.  He has so much going against him.  He lives out of town.  He is English.  I am leaving nothing to chance in the area of personal safety with backup plans at the ready.  I have been burnt before and am taking my time and no prisoners.

Plus, I was a complete idiot when I accidentally copied him in on an e-mail to my friend with his phone number and e-mail information, where we were going, etc.  I pressed the send button before I could remove his e-mail address.  There was a moment of horror when I realised what I had done.  There was no way to recall the e-mail, so I took a deep breath and sent him an e-mail saying how sorry and what an idiot I was and that my friends were looking out for me and this is what I was resorting to and sorry for ruining surprise (he didn’t know where we were going) and for him to call me.  He will never want to see me again!  He will think I am crazy!  I felt sick.

He sent me an e-mail.  He was a little confused and understands that my friends care about me and he will see me later.  I need to redeem myself with this poor man.  I know it is better to be safe than sorry, but it is also another thing to be an idiot.

I am a grown-up and I can do whatever I want.  I never, ever, have to go on another internet date again.  I am quitting while I am ahead.  I have already had the nicest dates I have had in a long time.  This really isn’t the way I want to meet people.  I like references.  The thing about meeting people in social situations is that one can actually see how people behave and perhaps slowly get to know each other.  Sometimes you even get to meet their friends.  I really need to feel the vibe first, before I decide to meet for coffee.  It’s almost like going for a job interview otherwise.  Application for boyfriend/girlfriend – sorry, you didn’t get the job, no chemistry.  It isn’t natural to me.  I don’t want to have coffee with a lot of frogs before I meet my prince.  I would rather be alone or just go dancing.

I have had two very nice dates with a sweet man who probably thinks I’m mad, and yet he still wants to see me again.  So he says.  Maybe he’s the one who’s mad.   I don’t know how this will turn out as Mr. Out of Town and I are very different.  I am just going to live in the moment and see what happens.  If he wants to see me again, great.  If not, that’s ok too.  I will just have to see where this road is going and enjoy the journey as much as possible.